How to Make Friends: Because Being Alone Gets Old

How to make friends

Hello, loners, wallflowers, and aspiring social butterflies! Have you ever found yourself lingering on the outskirts of a party, not-so-subtly eavesdropping on conversations you wish you were a part of? Do you scroll through your social media feed in envy, wondering how, oh how, do these people have such bustling social lives while your weekends are marked by Netflix and deep conversations with your pet goldfish, Steve? Fret not, because today is your lucky day! I’m here to offer you golden nuggets of wisdom on how to make friends. Pay close attention; you might just end up as the most popular person in your Dungeons and Dragons club.

Step 1: Master the Art of Small Talk

Ah, small talk, the bread and butter of friendships. Who doesn’t love chit-chatting about the weather or pretending to care about a random person’s weekend plans? Yes, small talk is your gateway to meaningful conversations, the kind where you go from discussing the rain forecast to your hopes and dreams. Just remember, when you’re struggling to fill the awkward silence with banter, you’re on the right track. No successful friendship was ever built on a foundation of profound, emotionally-rich conversations. No siree!

Step 2: Be Extremely Agreeable

Who wants to be around a person with strong opinions and unique perspectives? No one, that’s who. The key to winning people over is by nodding, smiling, and agreeing with absolutely everything they say. Climate change? Sure, could be a hoax or it could be real — who’s to say? Was the moon landing staged? Absolutely, if you think so! Being a ‘yes-man’ not only shows that you’re easygoing, but also that you have no individual personality traits that could be considered off-putting. It’s a win-win!

Step 3: Laugh at Every Joke — Especially the Bad Ones

If someone tells a joke, it is your social obligation to laugh. Even if it’s the kind of joke that makes dad jokes seem like comedy gold. Why? Because laughter is the universal language of “I’m enjoying your company, please like me back.” If you have to, think of something genuinely funny and let the laughter flow. They won’t know you’re laughing on the inside about that hilarious cat video you watched last night instead of their lame pun about vegetables. If you do this right, they might even think you share the same sense of humor! Misleading? Maybe. Effective? Absolutely.

Step 4: Use Social Media Stalking to Your Advantage

In the olden days, people actually had to get to know each other. Now, thanks to the advent of social media, you can find out everything you need to know about a person before you ever meet them. It’s like a cheat sheet for friendship! Is their Facebook cover photo a mountain landscape or a quote from “The Office”? Now you know your opening line. Do they Instagram every meal? Great, you’re a foodie now! Use this information to tailor your personality to be the most likeable version of yourself, based on someone else’s likes and dislikes.

Step 5: Gossip — AKA ‘Strategic Information Sharing’

Ah, gossip, the ancient art of “hearing something from someone who heard something from someone else.” Nothing cements a budding friendship faster than shared secrets, or even better, someone else’s secrets. Don’t worry about ethics or the trivial notion of “trust”; focus instead on the joy of conspiratorial whispers. If nothing else, you’ll become the go-to source for all the latest rumors, elevating your social standing from “Who are you again?” to “Hey, have you heard anything interesting lately?”

Step 6: Make Yourself the Center of Attention

Do you know what people love more than anything? Someone who can single-handedly dominate an entire conversation. Be sure to talk about your most fascinating subject: you. From your minor achievements in second grade to your plans for the weekend, let no topic go unexplored. Don’t give anyone else room to interject; their stories can’t possibly be as compelling as yours. This is the shortcut to becoming unforgettable. Note: if you can bring a slideshow or an accordion to help emphasize your stories, even better.

Step 7: Share Unsolicited Advice

If you’re in a conversation and someone shares a problem they’re having, this is your chance to shine. Forget about active listening or asking if the other person wants advice. They told you their problem, didn’t they? That’s basically an invitation for you to solve their life. Whether it’s relationship drama or a complex career decision, offer your wisdom generously. Even if you have zero experience in the field, remember that confidence often substitutes for competence.

Step 8: Keep Track of Favors Like a Mafia Boss

Friendship is a game of give and take, and you should always know who owes whom. Did you lend them a pen last week? That’s a friendship point for you. Did they give you a ride home from the airport? Eh, call it even. Keeping a meticulous mental record of favors ensures that you can call upon these debts at any time. Nothing says ‘lasting friendship’ like a carefully itemized list of how you’ve been inconvenienced.

Step 9: Never, Ever Be Yourself

Remember, the point of making friends is not to find people who appreciate you for who you are, but to collect as many names in your contact list as possible. So if you’re weird, cover that up with a thick layer of normal. If you’re intelligent, dumb it down. Always appear as though you’ve leaped straight out of a generic brand commercial, smiling like you’ve just tasted the world’s most average cola.

Step 10: Celebrate Your New Friendships (Or Lack Thereof)

By now, you’re either drowning in party invites or you’ve realized that quality is more important than quantity. If it’s the former, congratulations! Your days of having deep conversations with your goldfish are over. If it’s the latter, don’t worry. Even a sarcastic guide like this one can’t ignore the truth: making genuine friends might take time, effort, and a bit of vulnerability, but it’s worth it in the end.

There you have it, folks! A foolproof guide to making friends for the socially awkward and those of us who just can’t seem to get it right. Use these tips and you’ll be the most popular person at any social gathering, or at least the most entertaining one to watch from a safe distance. Good luck out there!