House Hunting or House Haunting? Home Features You Never Knew You Needed

What features to look for when buying a home?

Welcome, adventurous souls, to the roller-coaster ride known as house hunting! If you’re here, you’re probably contemplating a journey through the wild, treacherous terrain of the real estate market, seeking that perfect dream home — or maybe just a functional shelter with four walls and a roof. Either way, let’s dive into the most important features you absolutely must seek in your future domicile.

Location, Location, Lo…wait, what?

It’s a well-known real estate mantra: Location, location, location. It’s so important they had to say it thrice, because, well, who knows? Maybe the third time’s a charm. You should definitely seek a home that’s in the middle of nowhere, or even better, in a place where no GPS can find you. How exciting would it be to go missing every time you step out to buy groceries? Adventure every day! Plus, think of all the privacy. No nosy neighbors or pesky pizza delivery guys ruining your solitude.

School Districts and Crime Rates? Pfft, Details.

Some people might tell you to pay attention to school districts and crime rates. But who needs that information? After all, aren’t those adrenalin-inducing elements of surprise what make life fun? Imagine waking up to a minor earthquake every morning because your house is next to a train line, or discovering your new neighborhood hosts the local annual wild boar wrestling tournament.

Spaciousness? Who Needs That?

It’s been said that size doesn’t matter, and they were probably talking about houses. When house hunting, remember the smaller, the better. Why have a sprawling mansion when you can bump into walls and stub your toes at every turn? And don’t you dare think about a yard or garden. The more concrete, the better. Nature? What’s that?

Kitchen? Who Cooks These Days?

When it comes to the kitchen, remember: this is 2023! Isn’t everyone on a diet or ordering takeout these days anyway? The smaller the kitchen, the less you’ll be tempted to unleash your inner Gordon Ramsay and end up with a smoky disaster. So, a two-burner stove should do just fine. As for the refrigerator, well, your balcony will serve as a perfectly good cold storage during the winter.

A Single Bathroom? Absolutely!

What’s better than a long queue for the bathroom early in the morning? It’s the best way to teach everyone in your household the value of patience and bladder control. And if the only bathroom is directly off the only kitchen? Even better. You can cook breakfast while keeping an eye on the bathroom line. Talk about multitasking!

Ghost? What Ghost?

If your house comes with a ghost or two, consider it a bonus. Nothing quite compares to the thrill of hearing mysterious footsteps at midnight, or your name being whispered by unseen entities. They’re just roommates you don’t have to share the Netflix password with.

Forget the Inspection!

House inspections are for the faint-hearted. Who needs to know about pesky termites, the shoddy plumbing, or that mysterious mold creeping up the walls? These are merely fun challenges for your future self to tackle. Plus, having a personal waterfall in your living room every time it rains outside? Sign me up!

Heating and Cooling? Just Layer Up (or Down)!

Sure, some may argue that good heating and cooling systems are important. But I say, embrace the seasons! If it’s cold, bundle up and experience the joy of becoming a human burrito. When it’s scorching, it’s the perfect excuse to lounge in your swimwear and have a popsicle or five. And who needs a sauna or a trip to the Arctic when you can experience both in the comfort of your own home?

The More Leaks, The Merrier!

Who needs a solid, leak-free roof when you can have a live weather report inside your house? Just place buckets under the leaks and you’ll know exactly when it starts raining. Plus, that constant dripping sound can be quite calming — almost like one of those sleep relaxation soundtracks.

Creepy Basements are a Plus.

A creepy basement can offer so much — unsolicited wildlife, strange noises, and a perfect setting for a horror movie. Plus, imagine the fun of finding forgotten relics from previous homeowners: dusty dolls, weird paintings, an ancient box with a suspiciously haunting aura. What’s life without a touch of the macabre?

Walls That Remember.

A house with history has charm, and by history, I mean old, stained, wallpaper and dents in the walls. Why have a clean canvas when you can have walls that have seen it all? And those mysterious red stains? Let’s just say it’s “vintage”.

A 24/7 Symphony of Neighborhood Sounds.

A home in a location with perpetual noise is a must. The constant barking of the neighbor’s dog, the loud roar of overhead planes, the early morning battle cry of the garbage truck. Who needs an alarm clock when you live in an acoustic paradise?

The Power of Low Lighting.

Low lighting is another great feature to have in a house. Not only does it help you save on electricity, but it also adds an element of surprise to everything. You never know what you might step on, or who you might bump into. Plus, in the twilight gloom, every day is Halloween!

Remember, my dear house hunters, home is where the heart is — and preferably where your furniture fits without causing you to trip over it every day. But on a serious note (since when did we get serious?), you should probably do the exact opposite when buying a house. Unless, of course, you fancy a lifetime subscription to unexpected surprises and thrilling home adventures.