The Ultimate Guide to Becoming Filthy Rich: For Dummies, By a Dummy

how to become very rich

So you’ve decided to become wealthy, have you? Well, you’ve come to the right place, my dear friend. Prepare to be illuminated by the shining wisdom I’m about to bestow upon you. Here, let’s unfurl the scroll of secrets on how to become incredibly wealthy. Brace yourselves, because I am about to provide some real pearls of wisdom that will guarantee your invitation to the next billionaire’s gala.

1. Be Born into a Rich Family

The first and most obvious step, my friend, is to select your parents wisely. Be born into a family with Scrooge McDuck levels of wealth. Simple, isn’t it? Make sure they have a vault filled with gold coins that you can dive into. In case you missed this step, don’t worry, you can always try reincarnation. Who knows, you might just land that billionaire lineage next time?

2. Develop an Unhealthy Obsession with Money

To be wealthy, you must love money. Like, really love it. I’m talking, naming-your-firstborn-’Dollar’ kind of love. Dream about it, wake up thinking about it, and make sure to recite the mantra “Money is my best friend” every morning. This will definitely help you connect with money on a spiritual level, establishing a deep bond that no recession can ever break.

3. Create a Problem Only You Can Solve

To be fair, if you’re not fond of the reincarnation lottery, you could always try creating a problem only you can solve. Be innovative! Think about some problems that don’t exist yet and then solve them. Perhaps invent a device that can translate your cat’s meows into different Shakespearean quotes? Or create a robotic hairbrush that styles your hair based on your mood? The possibilities are endless.

4. Find a Magic Lamp

If all else fails, find a magic lamp with a genie inside. Yes, it might be a little tricky, and you might have to endure endless sandstorms, wicked viziers, and maybe even sing a couple of catchy songs. But it’s a small price to pay for unlimited wishes, right? If that doesn’t work, you could always try finding a leprechaun or a rainbow with a pot of gold. Just remember, stalking is illegal, even if it’s a mythical creature.

5. Adopt a Dragon

Remember those legends where dragons hoard enormous piles of treasure? Well, adopt a dragon! Yes, you might need to invest in fireproof clothing and dragon-size litter boxes, but think about the long-term benefits here, folks. It’s practically an investment with 1000% return!

6. Become an Overnight Sensation

How about becoming an Internet sensation overnight? Maybe create a dance move that’s so ridiculous that it goes viral. Or film your pet doing something outrageously cute. Millions of views translate to cash, you know. And if your pet squirrel becomes famous, that’s two birds with one stone. Fame and money!

7. Be Persistent

If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. And again. And again. And if that doesn’t work, rinse and repeat. Remember, every successful person has a line of failures behind them. Or in this case, maybe a conga line of failures. But who’s counting?

8. Play the Lottery

Try playing the lottery. Yes, I know, the chances of winning are like one in a trillion, but hey, someone’s got to win, right? And if you don’t, you’ll have a beautiful collection of worthless tickets to admire. But who knows, you might get lucky and find yourself richer by a couple of millions (or more). Just remember not to become a cautionary tale of lottery winners gone bankrupt.

9. Marry Rich

Consider the time-honored strategy of marrying into wealth. Find yourself a suitor dripping in gold, diamonds, and probably old age. Sure, the ‘till death do us part’ may be a bit on the nose, but at least you won’t have to worry about splitting the check on your dates.

10. Invest in Cryptocurrency

Remember when Bitcoin was worth a few cents? Ah, those were the days. But there’s still hope! There are literally thousands of cryptocurrencies popping up each day. Who knows, “PotatoCoin” might just be the next big thing! Just be sure to cash out before the inevitable crash.

11. Start a Cult

Now, I’m not advising anything illegal or harmful here, but cults have been known to be pretty lucrative. Maybe start a benign cult around something inane like, say, worshiping avocados. You can sell avocado-shaped merchandise, host annual avocado festivals, and offer premium membership for exclusive avocado-related content. Avocado toast, anyone?

12. Become an Influencer

If all else fails, you can always become an influencer. It doesn’t matter what you influence, as long as there are enough people willing to listen. Create trends like wearing socks on your hands or drinking coffee with a fork. Just make sure to endorse every product that comes your way, even if it’s a brand of toilet paper.

13. Be Yourself

Yes, yes, it’s cliché and all, but there’s a grain of truth to this. You can’t really enjoy wealth if you’re not comfortable in your own skin. So just be you. Unless, of course, ‘you’ is someone who loves pineapple on pizza. Then you may want to consider changing. Just kidding!

In all seriousness, though, most of these steps (apart from marrying rich and the lottery one, maybe) are sarcastic takes on real advice, and the chances of them actually working are about as high as finding that magic lamp or adopting a dragon. It’s great to aspire to be wealthy, but don’t forget to live a little in the process. Wealth doesn’t always equal happiness. But hey, if you do manage to become a billionaire, remember who gave you these nuggets of wisdom, eh? I accept wire transfers, diamonds, and gold bars.