How To Cut a Mango: A Trivial Task for Geniuses, Clearly

How To Cut a Mango

The mango. Nature’s Rubik’s Cube. A tropical fruit so fiendishly designed that we mere mortals often find ourselves defeated, pondering existential questions like, “Why do we even have thumbs?”

For those of you with a Ph.D. in Mango-nomics or a black belt in fruit slicing, feel free to skip this article. But for the rest of us mere mortals struggling to crack the da Vinci Code that is the proper mango cut, gather around, and let’s commiserate.

Step 1: The Stare Down

Before even daring to pick up a knife, engage the mango in a good old-fashioned stare-down. Look it in the eye — err, stem? — and let it know who’s boss. Chances are, it will still be as smug and complex as ever, but at least you’ve asserted some form of dominance, however futile.

Step 2: Find the Right Tools

Many people think that any knife will do for cutting a mango. Hilarious. Those people also probably believe the Earth is flat and that the moon landing was filmed in someone’s basement.

To cut a mango like a pro, you’ll need a chef’s knife sharper than your wit, a cutting board with more stability than your last relationship, and a sense of humor, because let’s face it: things are about to get real messy, real quick. You’ll also need a cup, but not for drinking away your sorrow; we’ll get to that.

Step 3: Locate the Invisible Seam

Mangoes have a pit, but it’s shy and doesn’t like to show itself. You’ve got to cut the mango “cheeks” away without hitting the elusive pit. The key is to locate the pit’s “seam,” a line as visible as Bigfoot sprinting through a dense forest. Hold the mango on its end and slice downwards about a quarter-inch away from the midline, following the curve of the fruit. And no, “eyeballing it” isn’t a scientific method unless you’re part cyborg with built-in laser measurements.

Step 4: Score, But Not Like You’re In a Sports Movie

Now that you’ve got these two mango “cheeks,” we move onto scoring. No, not like you’re the underdog in a feel-good sports movie and it’s the last three seconds of the game. We’re talking about cutting a grid-like pattern into the flesh of the mango slices without cutting through the skin. Press your knife to the flesh like you’re giving it a light massage — just enough pressure to score, not enough to break the skin, which is thinner than your patience by now.

Step 5: The Hedgehog and The Cup

Now the grand reveal! Once your mango slice is scored, press the back of it gently to invert it. If done correctly, you’ll have a hedgehog-looking piece of fruit ready to go viral on Instagram. If done incorrectly, well, congratulations on your new abstract art piece!

To extract the flesh, take your cup and align its lip with the base of the skin. Slide it down, and voilà! The cup should catch your beautifully cut mango squares like it’s catching your tears of frustration.

Step 6: The Accidental Picasso

So you’ve cut, scored, and scooped your mango cheek. But what about the rest of the fruit? You may look at the remains — mangled, hacked, and shredded — and think you’ve unintentionally created abstract art worthy of the MoMA. Fear not! You still have a chance to salvage those last bits clinging stubbornly to the pit.

Hold the mango pit like a weird, slippery video game controller and just trim off the flesh. Slice carefully. These are the bonus rounds of your mango-cutting escapade, a surprise twist in your culinary journey. Don’t expect pretty squares. Just get what you can.

Step 7: The Skinning of the Mini-Raft

Remember the mango skin? You could use it as a mini-raft for an ant adventure film, or you can compost it. But if you’re feeling brave, adventurous, or just not willing to accept defeat, use a spoon to scrape off any remaining mango flesh clinging to the inside of the skin. It’s a messy job, but someone has to do it. Might as well be you, right?

Step 8: Storing the Treasure

Congratulations! You’ve made it this far, and you have mango chunks that somewhat resemble cubes (or perhaps irregular polygons, but who’s judging?). You can store them in an airtight container and freeze them for smoothies, or plop them into a bowl and consume immediately as your reward. Don’t forget to take a victory photo with your mango chunks to share on social media — #MangoSlayed, anyone?

Step 9: Reflect on Life’s Greater Challenges

As you savor your hard-won mango flesh, you’ll realize that you’ve climbed the Mt. Everest of fruits. You’ve won a battle, not with an enemy, but with a tropical delight that tried its best to baffle and bamboozle you. If you can cut a mango, what else can you do? Split an atom? Discover a new planet? At the very least, you can add “Mango Conqueror” to your list of skills on LinkedIn. You never know; it might come in handy someday.

The Aftermath

There you have it, folks: the epic, harrowing, nail-biting guide to hacking your way through a mango. Whether you followed these steps to the letter or just skimmed through and thought, “I’ll just buy pre-cut,” you’ve grown. You’re a changed person, now part of an elite club of humans who can navigate the labyrinth that is a ripe mango.

Remember, cutting a mango is more than a culinary task. It’s a rite of passage, an IQ test, a character-building exercise, and a lesson in humility — all rolled into one juicy, delicious experience.