How to Get a Passport Without Losing Your Mind (Or Your Sense of Humor)

How to Get a Passport

Ah, passports, the little booklets of magic that somehow allow you to cross imaginary lines on a map. This modern-day scroll opens up the world to you — literally. But before you start envisioning yourself sipping mojitos on a Caribbean beach or pretending to understand the subtle nuances of abstract art in a Parisian gallery, let’s face it, you need to get your hands on one of these bad boys.

Getting a passport isn’t as easy as say, ordering a latte. If only you could shout, “One passport, extra freedom, and hold the paperwork!” But alas, life isn’t that kind. So, sit back, make some popcorn, and prepare to embark on the joyous adventure that is getting a government-issued document.

Step 1: Realize You Need a Passport, Like, Yesterday

This is the moment when you’re sifting through a travel magazine, or more realistically, scrolling through Instagram’s barrage of travel influencers, and it hits you. Bali! Paris! Iceland! Oh my, the world is your oyster. But wait, you need a passport to unlock this treasure chest of experiences. You rush to your drawer, pushing aside old tax returns and that mischievous sock that’s been hiding since 2015, and find — oh horror! — that your passport has expired. But fear not! You only need to navigate the labyrinthine maze of bureaucracy to renew it. Easy peasy, right?

Step 2: Download The Forms (ALL OF THEM)

Now, you might think downloading forms is a straightforward task. Wrong. You see, the government website dedicated to passport issuance is, let’s put it gently, a UX designer’s nightmare. Links that send you in circles, PDFs that rival War and Peace in length, and helpful FAQs that answer questions no one ever asked.

Eventually, you’ll find what you’re looking for: usually a form creatively named something like DS-11 or DS-82. If you’re a newcomer to the Passport Olympics, the DS-11 is your jam. If you’re a seasoned veteran just looking to renew, the DS-82 is your less jammy but still applicable jam.

Step 3: Fill Out The Form Without Losing Your Sanity

Filling out the form requires the same level of attention to detail as defusing a bomb. One wrong move and boom! You’re left waiting another six weeks because you couldn’t remember if your mother’s maiden name has one ‘t’ or two. And let’s not forget the classic question: “Have you ever been known by any other names?” You chuckle as you ponder listing “Queen of Procrastination” or “Captain Obvious.”

Step 4: Take That Awkward Passport Photo

Say cheese! Or better yet, don’t. Passport photos require a neutral expression, which is fantastic because that’s exactly how you feel at this moment — utterly neutral about the ordeal you’re going through.

You can get these taken at various places: your local drugstore, a specialized passport photo service, or if you’re a masochist, you can do it yourself. Remember, the goal here is to look like you’ve just been arrested but are oddly calm about it. Also, no glasses, hats, or anything that makes you look remotely like a human being with a personality.

Step 5: Pay The Government for the Pleasure

Ah, the pièce de résistance, the moment when you part ways with your hard-earned money to pay for a book of empty pages. Fees vary, but it’s generally around $110 for the application and an optional $60 if you’ve procrastinated so badly that you need expedited service. You can pay with various methods, but alas, they don’t accept hopes and dreams.

Step 6: Go to the Passport Office Without An Appointment for Extra Thrills

Are you a thrill-seeker? Do you love long lines, awkward silences, and the occasional sigh from a government employee? Then I have good news: you can skip the appointment and try your luck as a walk-in. Just be prepared to bring a snack, a book, and possibly a tent, because you’ll be waiting long enough to grow a beard — or at least long enough to regret not making an appointment.

But for the more sensible amongst us, book that appointment like your life depends on it. You’ll get a cozy 15-minute slot where you can hand over your paperwork and pretend not to be paranoid that you’ve filled something out incorrectly.

Step 7: The Interview, or How to Not Look Like a Spy

The appointed day has arrived. You’ve dressed in your least suspicious attire — avoid trench coats — and you’re ready to face the unsmiling bureaucrat across the counter. They’ll ask you questions so complicated they make quantum physics look like child’s play. Questions like, “Is this your signature?” and “Can you confirm your address?”

Whatever you do, don’t break eye contact; that’s a rookie mistake. Complete the interview without admitting to international espionage, and you’re golden.

Step 8: Hurry Up and Wait

Congratulations! You’ve successfully handed in your paperwork, and now all you have to do is wait. And wait. And wait. Imagine it as the “shipping and handling” phase of this transaction. Except instead of refreshing your Amazon tracking page, you get to check a government website that updates as frequently as a leap year.

You’ll receive your passport in six to eight weeks, or whenever Mercury is out of retrograde, whichever comes first.

Step 9: Stalk Your Mailman for Weeks

Never has a relationship with a mail carrier been so intense. You find yourself peeking through the curtains at the slightest hint of a mail truck’s hum. The moment arrives. You see the mail carrier reach into their bag and pull out a familiar-looking package. Could it be? Yes! You dash out, barefoot and screaming like you’ve won the lottery. The mail carrier hands over your brand new passport, probably questioning your sanity but too polite to say anything.

Step 10: Revel in Your Newly Acquired Superpower

Ah, the smell of a fresh passport — the ink, the pages, the feel of power. You’re now free to roam around the world (visa restrictions apply). Give yourself a pat on the back; you’ve managed to navigate the Ninth Circle of Dante’s bureaucratic hell and emerged victorious. You are now the proud owner of a booklet that’s more powerful than a spellbook but less interesting to read.

So there you have it, dear reader: a simple guide to getting your hands on that coveted little blue book. May your travels be many and your renewal process a distant future nightmare.

Oh, and if you ever figure out how to get a passport by just shouting your order at the universe, let me know. I could really go for an “extra freedom, hold the paperwork” right now.