How to Make Guacamole: A Slightly Sarcastic Guide

How to Make Guacamole

Step 1: Pretend You’re a Fancy Chef

Before we even start, let’s get something straight. You’re about to transform simple, humble avocados into a divine dip hailed by avocado aficionados worldwide. Once you master this, your friends might actually invite you to parties just for your guac. So, grab that chef’s hat you’ve never worn and put it on. It’s go time.

Ingredients You Probably Already Forgot to Buy

  • Avocados: 3 ripe ones. And by ripe, I mean that perfect 37.5-second window between “This is harder than calculus” and “Oh no, it’s brown mush.” It’s an art, people.
  • Lime: 1, because life and guacamole both need a bit of zest.
  • Salt: ½ teaspoon or just sprinkle to taste. Yes, taste does matter, shockingly.
  • Cilantro: ¼ cup finely chopped. Some say it tastes like soap. Others say it’s the elixir of the gods. Choose your camp.
  • Red Onion: ½, finely chopped. If you cry while chopping, just tell people it’s because you’re so moved by the guacamole process.
  • Tomato: 1 medium-sized, diced. It’s just to add color and make the guacamole look like it went to art school.
  • Garlic: 1 clove minced. Because we need to keep the vampires away.
  • Optional toppings: Jalapeno, cumin, black pepper, or your dreams and aspirations. It’s a versatile dip.

Step 2: Assemble the Dream Team

No, not a group of superheroes. The ingredients listed above! Lay them out on your counter. Take a photo. Put a filter on it. Post it to Instagram with the caption, “Making guac, am I doing it right?” Ignore the comments from foodie snobs who think you’re doing it wrong.

Step 3: The Mashing of the Innocent Avocado

Cut the avocados in half. Remove the pit – but save it for later, there’s a myth we need to debunk. Then scoop out the goodness and place it in a bowl. Mash it like it stole your lunch money in the third grade. How much mashing is up to you. Some like it chunky, some like it smooth. Your guac, your rules.

Step 4: Zest It Up

Slice that lime in half and squeeze both parts into the bowl. Not only does this add a tangy twist, but it also keeps the avocado from turning that unappetizing brown color too soon. Although, if you want to serve brown guacamole at your party and see who your real friends are, feel free.

Step 5: Everyone Else Joins the Party

Throw in the red onion, cilantro, diced tomato, and garlic. Gently fold them in. Remember, we’re making guacamole, not trying to fold laundry.

Mix everything together until it resembles the famous guacamole from your favorite restaurant or until you’re just tired and want to eat it. Sprinkle with salt, and any optional ingredients you fancy, to taste.

Step 6: Myths, Legends, and Guacamole

Alright, remember that avocado pit? There’s a common myth that sticking the pit in the guacamole will keep it from browning. While it might look like some sort of avocado Stonehenge and give you hipster cred, it won’t keep more than the tiny bit underneath it from browning. If you really want to keep it fresh, plastic wrap pressed down on the surface does the trick. But hey, if you want to use the pit as a decorative piece, you do you.

Step 7: The All-Important Taste Test

I cannot stress this enough: Taste. Your. Guacamole. It’s all fun and games until you serve guacamole that’s blander than elevator music. Adjust the salt, maybe add some more lime, or throw in a bit more garlic if you’re feeling rebellious. Remember, it’s your party in a bowl.

Step 8: Let It Chill (Literally)

For the flavors to get to know each other, mingle, and maybe even dance a little salsa, let the guacamole chill in the refrigerator for an hour or so. If you can’t wait that long, I get it. Dive in. But know that patience is a virtue, even in the world of dips.

Step 9: Presentation is Everything (Not Really, but Let’s Pretend)

Serve your guacamole in a bowl that says, “Yes, I totally know what I’m doing.” Add a sprinkle of fresh cilantro or a slice of lime on top for that gourmet touch. Surround it with tortilla chips like they’re adoring fans.

Step 10: Accept the Praise (and the Ridicule)

When you serve your guacamole, some will praise you as if you’ve just reinvented the wheel. Others might give “helpful” advice on what you could do differently next time. Smile, nod, and secretly relish in the knowledge that at least your guacamole didn’t come out of a pre-packaged plastic container.

Bonus Step: Clean-Up (Or How to Bribe Others to Do It for You)

Remember, the chef never cleans! Or so you can try claiming. If that doesn’t work, hint that there might be a second round of guacamole in the future for the helpful soul who cleans up this time.

In Conclusion

Guacamole, my friends, is more than just a dip. It’s a journey, a life lesson wrapped up in avocados, tomatoes, and a touch of sarcasm. Whether you’re a seasoned guacamole guru or a newbie just trying to impress someone, remember: it’s all in good fun. And if all else fails, there’s always takeout.

Happy mashing!