So, you’ve decided to join the professional world. How cute! You’ve donned your best interview outfit (which is suspiciously similar to your “Sunday best”) and have even rehearsed some nonsense about your greatest strengths and weaknesses. All you’re missing is that pièce de résistance, the document that’s going to put you over the top: your resume.
Ah, the resume, that archaic piece of paper that somehow manages to encompass your entire life’s worth in bullet points and awkward action verbs. But don’t worry, crafting a forgettable resume is quite the skill, and with the following tips, you’ll be sure to create a piece of paper that human resource departments worldwide will admire for all of 0.2 seconds before moving on.
Starting Off Right with Your Name
The first thing your resume needs is your name. Sounds simple, right? But let’s make it complicated. Instead of just plainly writing your name, why not use a fun font? Comic Sans screams, “I take myself seriously.” Throw in some emojis for good measure. After all, who doesn’t want to hire [Name] 😎🚀?
The Objective Statement: Tell Them You Want a Job
Next, let’s include an Objective Statement because nothing says, “I haven’t updated my resume since 1995” like telling your prospective employer that your objective is, indeed, to get a job. If you can work in that you’re a “hardworking team player,” even better! You’ll blend right in with the other 200 resumes that say the same thing.
Experience: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Buzzwords
You’ll need to list your previous jobs, of course. Not because they actually care about that summer you spent making smoothies at a health bar but because we all enjoy the fiction that experience in one completely unrelated field will make us a genius in another.
Here’s a tip: replace every other word with buzzwords like “synergized,” “optimized,” or “revolutionized.” For example, instead of saying, “I made smoothies,” try “Revolutionized the customer-facing beverage industry by synergizing organic produce into optimized nutrition delivery systems.” Ah, yes, much better.
Education: Because Employers Totally Care About Your GPA
Your next section should be Education. Please include your GPA if it’s higher than 3.0; if it’s lower, well, let’s just say you were too busy “gaining practical experience.” And be sure to list every single class that even remotely relates to the job you’re applying for. Yes, “Introduction to Ancient Egyptian Pottery” is highly relevant to a career in software engineering. Trust me, they’ll see the connection.
Skills: The More, The Murkier
Now let’s move on to Skills. Sure, you could list actual skills like “Proficient in Excel” or “Experienced in Project Management,” but why stop there? You know how to use a can opener and can do at least two different Fortnite dances, right? Put that down! You’re a Renaissance man/woman/non-binary individual, and the world needs to know.
References: Because Who Needs Privacy?
You may have heard that it’s good practice to write “References available upon request.” Don’t do that. Instead, list all your references along with their home addresses, personal phone numbers, and unrelated fun facts. It shows you’re transparent and have nothing to hide.
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And there you have it: the first half of the ultimate guide to crafting a resume so captivating, so unprecedented that it will either get you hired on the spot or banned from every applying again.
Remember, your resume is your first impression. So make it as confusing and irrelevant as possible. That way, they’ll never forget you. Or your application will be a laughable example in the HR department. Either way, you win. Sort of.
So you’ve got the basics down. Your resume is now a beautiful labyrinth of buzzwords, obscure skills, and references who may or may not know they’re on the list. But if you want to ascend to legendary status, it’s time to kick things up a notch.
Hobbies: Make Them Up
Next, let’s talk about Hobbies. Everybody loves a well-rounded candidate, so under no circumstances should you leave this section out. In fact, make up some hobbies if you have to. Bonus points if they’re irrelevant or incomprehensible.
Say you’re into “underwater basket weaving with a focus on sustainable materials” or that you’re a “Level 10 Paladin in the obscure yet highly competitive role-playing game ‘Dungeons and No Dragons.'” This will either intrigue your potential employer so much they’ll have to call you in for an interview, or they’ll think you’re so out-of-the-box, you’re practically in another dimension.
Languages: The More Unbelievable, The Better
Are you monolingual? Boring! In the Languages section, let’s pretend you’re fluent in at least three fictional languages. Klingon, Elvish, Dothraki — go wild. You’re not lying; you’re just highly imaginative. Besides, if the job doesn’t require it, they won’t test you, right? And even if they do, imagine the fun story you’ll have to tell!
Volunteer Experience: The Quirkier, The Better
Did you once help your friend move a couch? That’s “Volunteer Experience in Ergonomics and Interior Design.” Ever listen to your cousin vent about their problems? Congratulations, you have “Experience in Non-Certified Emotional Therapy and Counseling.” Remember, the key to a memorable resume is creativity, even if it stretches the limits of conventional reality.
Special Section: Unrequested Recommendations for the Company
End your resume with a section where you give unsolicited recommendations for how the company you’re applying to could improve. Companies love know-it-alls, so don’t hold back. Tell them their logo could use a touch-up, their mission statement is a snooze, or that their office layout could be optimized for better feng shui. Remember, you’re doing them a favor by offering your unqualified expertise.
The Attachments: Spice It Up
Who says a resume has to be just one page? Attach scanned drawings of your dream office, a photo of your cat wearing corporate attire, or even a link to a Spotify playlist that captures your essence (strictly 90s boy bands, of course). These attachments are sure to catch attention, if not bewilderment. In the game of resumes, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
Finally, The Delivery: Go Postal (Not Really)
Once your magnum opus is ready, consider your delivery options. Email? Too pedestrian. Hand-delivery? Better, but not quite there. Instead, consider hiring a singing telegram to deliver your resume or perhaps even a trained falcon. They say the medium is the message, so make sure your choice of delivery screams, “I’m overqualified for this position, but you can’t afford not to hire me.”
And there it is, your guide to crafting a resume so memorable it will either be framed in the office of HR as a masterpiece of modern humor or be used in training sessions as a cautionary tale. But either way, you’ll be unforgettable, and in the end, isn’t that what we’re all striving for?
Remember, kids: in a world of templates and professionalism, dare to be the Comic Sans in a sea of Calibri. Now go out there and get them to remember you — for better or for worse. Happy job hunting!
