How to Build a Real Estate Empire in Just 17 TV Episodes

How to invest in real estate?

Once upon a time, in the ancient days of dial-up internet and brick cell phones, a legion of individuals discovered the golden goose of investment, known as Real Estate. The best thing since sliced bread, real estate was poised to shoot everyday Joes to the heights of Scrooge McDuck-level wealth. Now, since you’ve obviously discovered time travel and have come from those old times, let me guide you through the ultra-sophisticated techniques of investing in real estate.

First things first, let’s talk about “Location, Location, Location.” I mean, who doesn’t love a catchy phrase that real estate gurus throw around as if they were the ones who invented the wheel? As a rule of thumb, always buy property next to a dump or in the path of regular hurricanes. The cheaper, the better! You’ll save so much money; your wallet will practically be begging you to spend it on something else.

Moving on, let’s talk about the glory that is House Flipping. Buy the most decrepit house you can find — think cobwebs and a family of raccoons included at no extra charge. After watching an entire season of any house flipping show, you are now more than qualified to take a sledgehammer to the walls and call yourself a contractor. Who needs professionals when you’ve seen seventeen episodes of people transforming houses into modern-day palaces? Don’t forget to replace the front door with a 6-foot wide, retina scanning, voice-activated titanium wonder that costs more than the entire property. A necessary expense, obviously.

After you’ve renovated the raccoon residence into a Tony Stark-worthy pad, it’s time to slap a hefty price tag on it. Set the price high, maybe three or four times what you think it’s worth. You see, the higher the price, the more sophisticated and important the property seems. Anyone questioning the price, just casually mention the golden phrase — “location, location, location”, and start describing the 17 different coffee shops within a 500-mile radius.

Now, let’s address Rental Properties. You’ll need to become a Landlord, a noble profession with zero headaches, absolutely adored by all. Buy a dozen properties, with no regard for maintenance or tenant quality, and wait for the cash to flow in. The best part? Tenants always pay rent on time and never call with pesky requests like “the ceiling is leaking on my head” or “the house is on fire.” That’s all just a myth.

Should you feel the urge to diversify, Real Estate Investment Trusts (REITs) are a thing. This is where you throw money at companies, and they invest it in real estate for you. It’s like giving your money to someone else to go on a shopping spree, and then they’ll probably send you a postcard with a ten-dollar bill, while they take all the cool stuff home. Efficient and modern.

Another masterful strategy is to buy properties in countries you can’t even pronounce, without ever visiting them. International real estate is all the rage. Just think, somewhere in Outer Siberia, there’s a charming igloo with your name on it. Invest now, before it melts.

Crowdfunding is also trendy. Pool money with strangers online for real estate ventures. Because the internet is the most trustworthy place and the word ‘scam’ has never been associated with it. Think of it like a lemonade stand, but instead of lemons, you’re buying bricks and mortar with people who may or may not be robots.

Of course, let’s not forget leveraging the power of Social Media. If you don’t post about your real estate investments, are you even investing? Make sure to click selfies with every brick and floor tile, and share it with the hashtag #IBuyHousesAndImImportant. This not only establishes you as a real estate tycoon but also creates an aura of mystique as people wonder how you manage to be in seventeen different places at once, like a real estate Santa Claus.

While we are at it, why not create a YouTube channel? Title it something like “I Bought the Moon — Real Estate Edition”. In the first episode, talk about how you are in negotiations to buy an entire moon crater. This will immediately catapult you to the league of Elon Musk and other planetary property enthusiasts. Then, gradually, talk about your earthly properties as if they are mere stepping stones to your interstellar real estate empire.

Now, let’s go back to earthly matters and talk about property auctions. These are exciting affairs where you raise paddles, yell, and sometimes engage in a duel of gazes with competitors. In auctions, it is essential to never set a budget. If you see a property you like, keep raising that paddle as if you’re swatting flies. And if you end up paying triple the market price, don’t worry. You can always cover it up by telling tales of the property being built on an ancient treasure chest.

While investing, remember to never, ever seek professional advice. Why would you trust people who spent years studying and gaining experience in the industry? Instead, trust your instincts and that fortune cookie you got last night that said, “Great riches are coming your way.” The cookie knows.

Now, as your empire expands, consider writing a book titled, “I Bought My Way to the Top, and You Can Too for $99.99.” The irony of the title and price tag will only serve as a magnet to the throngs of would-be real estate magnates.

In the end, the path to real estate nirvana is laden with raccoon-infested properties, limitless auctions, international adventures, and your face plastered all over social media. But remember, once you reach the pinnacle of success, don’t forget the little people who helped you get there — namely, the raccoons.

But on a serious note, you probably noticed already that this is a satirical guide. Real estate investment can be a fruitful endeavor if done responsibly and with proper research and professional advice. Don’t buy an igloo in Siberia unless you are absolutely sure about the returns. Happy Investing!