Ladies and Gentlemen, today I will provide you with an exclusive, hard-hitting tutorial on how to recognize a bad person. Bear with me, this endeavor requires extensive knowledge in armchair psychology, home-brewed philosophy, and the careful cultivation of cynicism.
Let’s begin our delightful dive into the sea of human depravity by setting up the groundwork. What exactly do we mean by a “bad person”? Well, they’re the ones who never bring snacks to a party but are the first to pillage the chip bowl. They are the infamous culprits who leave just one square of toilet paper on the roll. They are the masters of the unreturned library books. Indeed, we’re exploring the darkest corners of humanity here. So let‘s begin.
1. The Serial Snack Stealer
There’s a special place in Dante’s Inferno for the snack stealers of this world. This unique breed of individual always appears at social events with empty hands and empty stomachs, ready to descend like a swarm of locusts onto the snack table. They’ve a keen eye for the most expensive imported cheeses, the last cookie, and they have a Ph.D. in making your favorite treats vanish. You’ll recognize them by the crumbs sprinkled across their shirt and the casual way they’ll ask, “Oh, were those your triple chocolate chip cookies?” as they devour the last one.
2. The Toilet Paper Terrorist
The Toilet Paper Terrorist is a sneaky species. They wait until they’ve used up almost every square inch of toilet paper, leaving only a solitary, lonely square hanging, just so they can technically say they didn’t use it all. To spot this hideous villain, look for signs of excessive toilet paper usage and a wicked glint in their eye when someone mentions a ‘bathroom emergency.’
3. The Unapologetic Library Book Collector
Here’s to the people who take books from the library and hold onto them like their life depends on it. It’s as if they believe the ‘return by’ date is a mere suggestion rather than an actual deadline. They treat that $0.10 a day late fee as a private rental service, seemingly oblivious to the irritated readers left in their wake. If someone’s bookshelf seems to have more “property of public library” tags than bookstore receipts, you’ve spotted the Unapologetic Library Book Collector.
4. The Chronic Spoiler
There are few things more vile than a person who spoils the latest episode of a show or the ending of a book without a spoiler alert. These cruel beings thrive on the shocked gasps and horror-stricken faces of their innocent victims. The only way to identify these spoil-sports before it’s too late is by a sudden dramatic pause, a sinister grin, and the dreadful phrase, “Did you see the part where…”.
5. The Pseudo-Intellectual
Among the residents of social circles lurks the Pseudo-Intellectual. They will turn any conversation into a dissertation defense on their ‘expertise,’ whether it be about the existential symbolism in a SpongeBob episode or the complex nuances of ancient Mongolian pottery. Be wary of anyone who uses the phrase “Well, actually” or “Did you know?” too frequently. It’s often a telltale sign you’re dealing with a Pseudo-Intellectual.
6. The Mooching Maestro
The Mooching Maestro never seems to have their wallet when the check arrives, conveniently forgets to pay back borrowed money, and always needs a ‘favor’ that somehow involves your resources. This individual is an expert in playing the sympathy card, and they have a knack for turning their forgetfulness into your financial responsibility. Identifying this character requires a keen eye for the hurried “I’ll get it next time” when a bill arrives or the frequent “Do you mind if I…?” followed by a request that always seems to be just slightly beyond the realm of casual favor.
7. The Reverse Complimenter
We all know one, the Reverse Complimenter, the master of backhanded compliments. They’re the ones who tell you things like “You’re smarter than you look” or “Your haircut is so brave,” leaving you feeling both flattered and offended simultaneously. It’s like getting a gift that you’re allergic to — it’s the thought that counts, but you really wish they hadn’t. Their tongue is sharper than a razor, and they can slice your self-esteem into a thousand pieces under the guise of praise.
8. The Interrupting Iguana
Now we move on to the Interrupting Iguana, so named because of their apparent inability to stay silent, much like an iguana’s inability to survive in the Arctic. They hijack conversations, throwing in their two cents before you’ve even found your one. They’re easy to spot — they’re the ones whose mouth is moving while you’re still talking. Just beware, engaging with them is like trying to outswim a riptide; it’s often better just to let it carry you away.
9. The Not-so-humble Braggart
Have you ever met someone who has climbed Everest? Twice? While repelling off a yeti with a single toothpick? Or perhaps they’ve found a cure for the common cold during their weekend break? Yes, we’re talking about the Not-so-humble Braggart. They have an unrelenting thirst for admiration and will stop at nothing to let you know just how magnificent they are. Their tales are as tall as they are numerous, and you will know them by their favorite phrase, “That’s nothing, once I…”.
10. The One-upper
Please meet the One-upper. If you’ve been to Tenerife, they’ve been to Eleven-erife. Bought a new car? They bought a spaceship. Got a cat? They tamed a leopard. There’s no story they can’t top, no accomplishment they can’t overshadow. A telltale sign of a One-upper is that any conversation with them feels like an escalating bidding war at an auction house.
11. The Tardy Tortoise
Now, who could forget about the Tardy Tortoise? This person has a peculiar relationship with time, managing to be fashionably late for every occasion. They’ve mastered the art of entering dramatically when everyone else has already finished their first course. Their only concept of time is “later”, and they seem to exist in a parallel universe where clocks run slower. Watch out for the signature move: the grand entrance, coupled with an elaborate excuse involving everything from a mythical traffic jam to an unexpected alien invasion.
12. The Social Media Monarch
Oh, the Social Media Monarch, a rare breed that seems to exist solely online. Their lives are a whirlwind of perfectly angled selfies, gourmet meals, and exotic vacations that only exist on Instagram. They view life through a filtered lens, and their greatest fear is poor Wi-Fi. The surefire way to identify them is by their ceaseless stream of posts, followed by the threatening question, “Did you like my last picture?”
13. The Chronic Complainer
The Chronic Complainer is always in some state of distress. Their coffee is too cold, their pizza is too hot, and their ‘just right’ zone is more mythical than a unicorn’s existence. Engaging in conversation with them feels like stepping onto an emotional roller coaster where the lows are frequent and the highs are virtually nonexistent. A chronic complainer can be recognized by their sighs of dissatisfaction and their permanent position as the parade’s rain cloud.
14. The Drama Magnet
Next up is the Drama Magnet. They don’t just attract drama, they manufacture it. For them, a peaceful situation is like a blank canvas that’s just begging for a splash of chaos. They have a unique talent for turning a minor inconvenience into a full-blown Shakespearean tragedy. Spot them by their flair for theatrics and their ability to weave a minor disagreement into a soap opera-worthy narrative.
15. The Double-Dipper
Now let us talk about the infamous Double-Dipper. They lack the basic understanding of how communal food works and sees no issue in taking a bite of a chip and then dipping it back into the shared salsa bowl. They are the violators of unspoken societal codes, making social gatherings a petri dish of germs. Spot them by their crumbs in the dip and their complete obliviousness to the disgusted looks from everyone else at the party.
16. The Insincere Empath
Also beware of the Insincere Empath, the person who gives you a shoulder to cry on, only to later use your vulnerabilities against you. They’re always there in your times of need, not out of genuine concern, but to gather ammunition for future use. Be on guard if someone’s shoulder seems just a bit too available, and their nods a little too knowing.
17. The Neglected Novelist
The Neglected Novelist lives in a world where they are always the misunderstood protagonist. Their life is a never-ending saga of trials and misery that nobody else could possibly understand. Each conversation with them feels like an unasked reading from their autobiography. Spot them by their overuse of phrases like “You just don’t understand…” and “In the grand scheme of my life…”.
And there you have it, an entirely scientific and not at all ironic guide on how to recognize a bad person, or at least a person with some particularly annoying habits. Of course, we should remember that people can learn, grow, and change, and these types are more caricatures than accurate portraits of human behavior. After all, who hasn’t been a bit of a Mooching Maestro or an Interrupting Iguana at some point?
But at the end of the day, if we can all just manage to refill the toilet paper roll, return our library books on time, and refrain from spoiling the endings of movies, the world will be a much better place.