How to Cook Spaghetti Squash: A Culinary Odyssey for the Underwhelmed

How to Cook Spaghetti Squash

Ah, spaghetti squash, that golden gourd of intrigue, that harbinger of low-carb faux pasta bliss. You’ve seen it in the store, right next to its veggie aisle compatriots like the intimidating butternut and the zesty zucchini. You’ve heard whispers of its power to transform into a spaghetti-like substance that tricks you into thinking you’re indulging in real pasta. In other words, it’s the food equivalent of a Trojan Horse, except it doesn’t unleash a war; it just unfurls into stringy, guilt-free strands.

So, are you ready to be the maestro of this stringy symphony? Put on your least favorite shirt, because this is a food item that demands your lack of sartorial elegance. Prepare to wow yourself, your dog, or possibly even a human dinner guest with your newfound prowess.

Step 1: Choose Your Victim

First things first: you’ve got to select the perfect squash. If you think any squash will do, you’re as misguided as someone who thinks that speed-walking is a captivating sport. No, you’ve got to find a squash that’s as dense as a fruitcake but less likely to be re-gifted. Feel its weight, assess its complexion—no soft spots, no green tinges. If it whispers sweetly in your ear that it’s ready to forsake its gourdly form and become pasta, you’ve got yourself a keeper.

Step 2: The Kitchen Weapons Arsenal

Now that you have your unsuspecting squash, it’s time to assemble your torture — uh, I mean, kitchen tools. What will you need? A knife sharper than your wit, a spoon as sturdy as your resolve to never actually do cardio, a baking sheet to hold your dreams (and your squash), and olive oil that’s extra virgin, unlike the bottle of Two-Buck Chuck you’ll be drinking while you make this.

Step 3: Preheat Your Fiery Furnace

Preheat your oven to 400°F (200°C). This is the furnace that will turn your squash into the low-carb deity it was always destined to be. If you have a medieval hearth, even better. There’s nothing like cooking something ancient in an ancient cooking edifice to make you feel connected to the plight of humanity or whatever.

Step 4: The Cut of Destiny

This is where your squash’s dreams of being whole come crashing down. Place that bad boy on a cutting board. Now, you’re going to need to summon all your strength, think of every failed relationship, every boss who didn’t appreciate you, and put that all into your knife as you cut the squash in half lengthwise. No, it won’t be easy, and yes, you will question your life choices. But remember, you’re doing this in the name of culinary artistry or perhaps just to say you did something productive today. Scoop out its seeds like you’re removing its innards. It’s all very “Game of Thrones.”

Step 5: The Oiling Ceremony

Drizzle your now-violated squash with olive oil. This is the baptism by which it will be reborn as foodstuff you’ll pretend to like as much as pasta. Use your hands to make sure it’s evenly coated. This is your squash, and it should bear your fingerprints, metaphorically and literally.

Step 6: Roast It Like a Stand-Up Comic

Alright, slap those squash halves onto your baking sheet, flesh-side down. Slide them into the preheated oven like you’re entering a hot tub — carefully and with the expectation of warm, soothing goodness. Let it roast for about 30-40 minutes, but don’t go too far. You don’t want to turn your spaghetti squash into Cinderella at the stroke of midnight — mushy and unappealing.

Step 7: The Forkening

Ding! Your oven timer screams in triumph. Don your most valiant oven mitts and remove the squash from its fiery trial. Flip it over, and let it cool for a few minutes; otherwise, you’ll burn your fingers and end up posting a less-than-flattering cooking experience on social media.

Once it’s cool enough to touch but still radiating enough heat to melt your resolve to ever diet again, grab a fork. Now rake that fork back and forth across the squash flesh. Watch as it magically turns into “spaghetti” right before your eyes. If it doesn’t, you’ve either picked a pumpkin by mistake or you’ve defied the laws of vegetable physics.

Step 8: Dress to Impress

Ah, now your bowl is filled with steaming strands of squash spaghetti. You could eat it as is and maintain your self-righteous nutritional bragging rights, but let’s get real — you’re going to want to jazz it up. Toss it in some marinara sauce, sprinkle parmesan like you’re an Italian grandma, or maybe throw in some meatballs, plant-based or otherwise. No one’s judging. You’ve already replaced pasta with a gourd; you can do whatever you want at this point.

Step 9: The Mandatory Instagram Moment

Before you dig in, don’t forget to take a picture for posterity (read: Instagram). Use the hashtag #SquashGoals or #LowCarbHighPretension. If you don’t document it, did you even cook? Let’s be honest: the world needs to see this accomplishment. Your culinary bravado must be flaunted.

Step 10: Taste, Choke Down, or Love

Take that first bite. Is it everything you dreamed of and more? Does it make you forget all about regular spaghetti? Probably not, but hey, it’s nutritious, it’s different, and you made it yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back; you just mastered the culinary equivalent of basic algebra.

And there you have it, folks. You’ve survived the emotional rollercoaster of cooking spaghetti squash. Not only have you made a meal that’s “healthy,” but you’ve also scored the ability to humble-brag about it at your next socially distanced gathering, because let’s face it — spaghetti squash is just as much about the story as it is about the eating. Cheers to your newfound kitchen competence!