How to Measure Your Bra Size (or Not)

how to measure bra size

Ladies (and maybe some gents), gather ’round! Today we’re tackling a topic of utmost importance: the art of measuring bra size. It’s right up there with splitting the atom and navigating tax codes. Really.

Step 1: Ignore All Professional Advice

First things first, you could go to a professional to get measured. You could. But that’s like asking a chef how to cook. Utterly preposterous! What could they possibly know that you, armed with a mirror and a sense of impending regret, do not?

Step 2: Summon the Holy Grail of Instruments — The Tape Measure

Ah, the tape measure: A tool usually reserved for the likes of carpenters and tailors. But today, it’s your magic wand, your Excalibur! Snatch it from the depths of your junk drawer, where it’s buried under expired batteries and keys to forgotten locks. Dust it off, marvel at its mysterious numbers, and prepare for battle.

Step 3: Assume the Position

Find a mirror. You’re about to engage in a complex ballet, pirouetting in a quest for accurate numbers. Elevate your arms like you’re trying to fly but remember you can’t—because this is serious business, not a time for fantasies.

Step 4: Measure the Band

Wrap the tape measure around your torso, right under your bust. And by “under,” I mean exactly where your bra band would normally sit. Now, make it snug, but not so snug that you can’t breathe. We’re going for accuracy, not asphyxiation. Jot down that number. If it’s a fraction or a decimal, you’re clearly overthinking it. Round to the nearest whole number unless you fancy yourself a human protractor.

Step 5: Measure the Girls

Now, this is where the real fun begins. Measure around the fullest part of your chest. For this step, you’ll want to avoid squishing, squeezing, or basically reenacting any wrestling moves on yourself.

Note the number. If it’s bigger than your band size, congratulations! You’re human. If it’s the same, you may be a cyborg, and that’s okay. We don’t discriminate here.

Step 6: The Calculations That Could Make Einstein Cry

So you have your band size and your bust size. The difference between these two will determine your cup size. Here’s the quick and dirty cheat sheet:

  • 1-inch difference: You’re an A.
  • 2-inch difference: Congrats, you’re a B.
  • 3-inch difference: That’s a C, for “Can’t believe I’m still doing this.”
  • 4-inch difference: D, for “Do I really need to go on?”
  • 5-inch difference and beyond: You’re in the alphabet soup of DD, DDD, and so forth.

At this point, you might have a proper size in mind, like 34C or 38D. You could go shopping now. But remember, these numbers are more like guidelines than actual rules — kind of like how cooking times on microwavable meals are just suggestions that might leave you with ice-cold pasta.

Step 7: Trial and Terror, I Mean, Error

The final step? Try on a million bras. Seriously. You will hate yourself, you will hate bras, and you may even question the essence of existence. But don’t worry, once you find “the one,” you’ll forget all about the tribulations that led you there.

So there you have it! The utterly impractical, but somewhat comical guide to measuring your bra size. May the odds be ever in your favor, and may you finally find a bra that doesn’t make you want to rip it off as soon as you get home.

Remember, measuring your bra size is an ongoing process. Bodies change. Sizes change. Styles change. But the hassle? Oh, that stays eternal. Happy measuring!