Alright, so you’ve decided you want to make money on YouTube? Well, buckle up buttercup, because this ride is going to be as smooth as a porcupine on a waterslide. If you’re looking to buy a yacht next week off your first video’s ad revenue, you’re in for a treat (and by treat, I mean a harsh wake-up call). Let’s dive deep into the murky waters of YouTube fame and fortune!
1. Find Your “Unique” Niche (Like Everyone Else)
If you think filming your cat chasing a laser pointer is going to earn you millions, think again. However, if your cat can solve algebra problems while doing that, you might be onto something.
Remember, everything’s been done. But, has it been done by you in a rainbow-colored onesie while yodeling? Probably not. So, get creative!
2. Quality? Pfft! Get the Cheapest Equipment!
Some might advise you to invest in good equipment. However, why do that when you can record with your old Nokia brick phone? Who needs 4K resolution when you can have 144p nostalgia? Vintage is all the rage, right? And if your audio sounds like you’re speaking through a tin can connected by a string, even better. It’s called being “authentic.”
3. Clickbait, Clickbait, Clickbait
You might think it’s shallow, but if you don’t have a title like “You WON’T BELIEVE What Happened When I Brushed My Teeth!!” followed by a thumbnail of you looking shockingly at a toothbrush – are you even trying? Let’s be honest, half the game is getting people to click on your video in the first place. Content? Meh, that’s secondary.
4. Learn Video Editing from a Toddler
Forget professional software and training. Find a toddler. Any toddler. Give them a laptop (bonus if it’s already been dropped and has sticky keys) and let them smack the keyboard. Their random keyboard mashing might just produce the avant-garde editing style that’ll make your video go viral. Quick cuts, random zooms, and unexplained sound effects? Genius.
5. Engage with Fans (Even the Trolls)
Reply to every comment. Every. Single. One. Including ones like “LOL, did you film this with a potato?”. A quick reply like, “No, it was a carrot. Potatoes are SO last season” will do the trick. Keeping your humor will win you fans and, who knows, even the trolls might subscribe!
6. Collab with Big YouTubers (Or At Least Their Cardboard Cutouts)
Sure, PewDiePie and MrBeast might not reply to your countless emails, tweets, and skywriting messages, but that shouldn’t stop you! Buy or make a cardboard cutout of them and film your “collab”. It’s basically the same thing. And honestly, if you add some ventriloquism into the mix, it’s almost like they’re really there.
In the merciless arena that is YouTube, it’s a dog-eat-dog world (or rather, vlogger-eat-vlogger). But follow these oh-so-real tips, and you’ll be on your way to YouTube… let’s say “stardom”, for lack of a better word.
7. Monetization: Ads, Ads, and More Ads
You finally hit the magical 1,000 subscribers and 4,000 watch hours! Time to monetize, baby! Turn on every type of ad YouTube allows: display ads, overlay ads, skippable video ads, non-skippable video ads, sponsored cards, and even the dreaded mid-roll ads. If viewers make it to the end of your video feeling like they just watched an hour-long infomercial, you’ve done it right. Because if you aren’t making your audience suffer just a tiny bit, are you even monetizing?
8. Merchandising: The Sky’s the Limit (Actually, It’s Not)
Once you’ve got a fanbase, start slapping your channel’s logo on everything. T-shirts, coffee mugs, baby onesies, dog bandanas, inflatable flamingos — you name it! It doesn’t matter if your logo was designed in Microsoft Paint; your true fans will buy it. Heck, autograph a piece of toast and sell that too.
9. The Algorithm is Your Friend (And Your Worst Enemy)
Ah, the YouTube algorithm, that mystical beast you’ll never truly understand. One week you’re the toast of YouTube, and the next you’re tossed aside like yesterday’s meme. Try to please the algorithm by doing everything it likes: posting regularly, engaging with viewers, and sacrificing a rubber chicken at midnight. Wait, scratch that last part. Or don’t, your call.
10. Sponsorships: Sell Your Soul, But Make It Classy
So, a random company emails you to promote their new toilet-cleaning robot. At first, you think, “This has nothing to do with my channel about extreme ironing!” But then you see the $$$, and suddenly you’re wearing a tuxedo, explaining the sophisticated technology behind ToiletBot3000. Sell-outs are only sell-outs if they’re not making money, right?
11. Virtual Meet-and-Greets: Because Who Needs Personal Space?
Thanks to the magic of the internet, you can meet your adoring fans without ever leaving the comfort of your home. Charge $50 for a five-minute Zoom call and say things like, “Wow, you’re my biggest fan? That’s amazing! No, I definitely haven’t said that to anyone else today!”
12. Controversy: Handle With Care (Or Don’t, We’re Not Your Mom)
If you find yourself in the middle of a controversy — whether it’s an innocent misunderstanding or because you thought it’d be hilarious to eat spaghetti while tightrope walking over a vat of hot sauce — remember to make an apology video. But ensure that your apology video is monetized. You wouldn’t want to waste a good scandal.
In Conclusion…
So there you have it: the definitive, foolproof, and absolutely legitimate guide to making money on YouTube. It’s going to be a wild ride, filled with ups, downs, and probably a few sideways. Will you become a millionaire? Eh, probably not. But will you become an internet sensation loved and adored by dozens? Also probably not.
But hey, if you make enough to buy a coffee each week, I’d say you’re winning. Here’s to your impending, glorious, almost-certain-to-be-short-lived YouTube fame! Cheers!
