How to Declutter Your Home: Because Who Needs Floor Space Anyway?

How to Declutter Your Home

Ah, the joys of home ownership, or renting, or squatting. Whatever brought you here, one thing is for sure: there’s stuff. Everywhere. If you’ve been dreaming of discovering what your floor looks like or you’re just tired of doing the hop, skip, and leap over the mountain of shoes to get to your front door, then you’re in the right place.

Let’s journey together through this absolutely serious, not-at-all-sarcastic guide on how to declutter your home.

1. The Three-Day Rule (Or Was It Three Years?)

Remember that shirt you bought three years ago thinking you’d wear it someday? Or the blender you swore would turn you into a smoothie master overnight? If you haven’t touched them in over three days…or years, it might be time to part ways. Keep things simple. Ask yourself: “Have I used this recently?” If the answer is “No,” or “What is this thing again?” toss it. If the answer is “I might need it when I go to that themed party in 2050,” toss it twice.

2. The One In, Two Out Rule: Because Math is Fun!

For every one item you bring into your household, throw two out. Bought a new coffee mug? Great! Say goodbye to two old ones. Not only does this reduce clutter, but it also makes shopping a fun challenge! Plus, your friends will marvel at your quirky math skills, and isn’t that what life’s all about?

3. The “Does It Spark Joy or Just Indigestion?” Test

Marie Kondo had a point, even if she never considered the indigestion part. Pick up each item and ask if it sparks joy. If it’s a leftover pizza slice from last week, it might not be joy you’re feeling. Seriously, for non-pizza items, if they don’t make you feel happy, empowered, or at least a little giggly, it’s time for them to find another home.

4. Trash Bags: Not Just for Trash

This is a pro-tip that isn’t shared often enough. You see, trash bags have this incredible ability to be filled with stuff. And not just trash – clothes, shoes, old magazines, you name it! The best part? Once it’s full, you can’t see what’s inside. Out of sight, out of mind. Genius!

5. Digitize Like It’s 1999 (But With Better Technology)

Old photos, CDs, cassettes, that one floppy disk? Convert them to a digital format. Because, you know, the ’90s called, and even they think you’re holding on to too much old tech. Just think: one tiny device can hold what 50 boxes can. That’s less to dust and more room for, well, probably more clutter, but at least it’s modern clutter!

6. The Museum of Ancient Appliances

Ah yes, that bread maker from the ’90s or the juicer you swore would make you healthier than a sprouting broccoli. Why not set up a museum? Charge admission or better yet, donate these ancient artifacts to someone who might actually use them. The point is, if you haven’t made bread or juiced anything in the last year, chances are you won’t be starting anytime soon.

7. The ‘Under The Bed’ Conspiracy

Despite popular belief, the space under your bed isn’t a storage unit. And no, monsters don’t live there – unless you count the monstrous amount of clutter you’ve stashed. Dive in! Who knows, you might find that other sock, or perhaps the lost city of Atlantis.

8. The Shove-Everything-in-the-Closet Technique

This method is straightforward. Open closet, shove everything in, close closet, and voilà! Perfectly organized… until you open it again. To avoid an avalanche of belongings next time you search for that one blue shirt, try organizing things by use, color, or whichever method distracts you long enough from shoving everything back in again.

9. Toys, Toys Everywhere and Not a Spot to Walk

Got kids? Or maybe you’re just a kid at heart with a collection of figurines that’s slowly taking over? Time to have a heart-to-heart with Mr. Teddy and ask if he really enjoys being squashed at the bottom of the pile. If not, perhaps he’d like a new home. Same goes for the 37 other stuffed animals that are about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

10. Gift Wrapping: Not Just for December

You know those gifts you keep ‘just in case’? Maybe it’s time to wrap them up and actually give them away. Birthdays, anniversaries, Tuesdays – any occasion will do. The joy of giving is real, especially when it frees up space in your closet.

11. Your Aunt Gertrude’s Heirloom… Um, What is That Again?

Sentimental items can be the hardest to declutter. But remember, memories aren’t held in things, they’re held in your heart… and in countless photos on your smartphone. If it’s not adding value or aesthetics to your home, consider snapping a pic and then parting ways.

In Ultimate Conclusion…

Decluttering isn’t about throwing away memories or living in a sterile environment; it’s about making space for the new and ensuring that the old doesn’t take over every inch of your living area. After all, a clutter-free home is a clutter-free mind. Or something profound like that.

Now, armed with these top-tier, not-at-all-joking tips, venture forth into the jungle that is your home. And remember, if all else fails, moving to a new house and starting from scratch is always an option!

Happy decluttering! Remember, you’re only about 17 trash bags away from sanity. Probably.