So, You’re Constipated? Here’s How to Get Things “Moving” (Wink, Wink)

what to do when constipated

Ah, constipation. Nature’s way of reminding you that, just when you thought you were in control of your life, your bowels have other plans. You’re here, probably because every time you take that hopeful journey to the bathroom, you come out feeling more like a deflated balloon than the champion pooper you aspire to be. But don’t fret. We’ve got you covered. Buckle up, and let’s journey through the lighthearted land of laxatives, fibers, and the ever-so-relaxing toilet yoga.

1. Embrace The Fiber Life

You’ve heard it before, and I’ll say it again, but this time with an eye roll: “Eat more fiber!” Yes, Captain Obvious, but how exactly? First, swap out your regular bread for whole grain or whole wheat. And if you really want to feel like you’re winning at adulting, sprinkle some chia or flax seeds on… well, everything. Breakfast? Chia. Lunch? Flax. That dessert you’re trying to justify? A sprinkle of seeds. Your bowels will be doing the cha-cha in no time.

2. Hydrate to Dominate

Your intestines are like a water slide, and without enough H2O, the ride just isn’t as fun (or fast). But if plain water isn’t your thing, we understand. After all, there’s only so much tasteless liquid one can endure. So why not add a splash of lemon or try a herbal tea? Or better yet, make a game of it: Every time you remember that embarrassing thing you did in high school, take a sip. You’ll be hydrated in no time!

3. Exercise: Because Your Bowels Need Motivation Too

Apparently, your body likes it when you move, and surprise, surprise, so do your intestines. So whether you’re doing the moonwalk, twerking, or just walking like a normal person, get that booty shaking! And if you’re not into the traditional forms of exercise, there’s always toilet yoga. Yes, it’s a thing. A deep squat might be the nudge your intestines need. Who knew?

4. Coffee: The Unsung Hero of the Colon

Some drink it for the taste, some for the energy, and others? Well, let’s just say they’ve discovered the other benefits. If you’re not already a coffee enthusiast, now might be the time to hop on board. Just be near a bathroom, because when it hits, you’ll want to be ready.

5. Relax, Take a Breath (But Maybe Not in the Bathroom)

Stress might just be the party pooper you didn’t invite. Taking time to unwind, meditate, or even laugh at articles like this one can do wonders. Remember, your intestines have feelings too (okay, not really, but you get the point). Treat them with kindness.

6. Oil Up: Because Everything’s Better with a Little Slip

Olive oil isn’t just for salads and sautés. A tablespoon of this golden goodness can also be a gentle lubricator for your insides. Though, fair warning: downing a shot of olive oil might not be your most culinary moment. On the bright side, it’s way cheaper than a fancy cocktail and with potentially quicker results. Bottoms up!

7. An Apple (or Prune) a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

Who knew the secret to a lively digestive system was hiding in your fruit basket? Apples are packed with fiber and prunes are nature’s sweet laxatives. Now, I’m not suggesting you host a prune-tasting party (or do, I won’t judge), but incorporating them into your daily munchies could turn the tide in your bowel battle.

8. The “Position” Matters

Remember when you tried to fit your square toy into a round hole as a kid? Same logic applies here. There’s a nifty little tool called the “Squatty Potty,” which essentially gets your knees up and realigns you into a more… efficient angle. If you don’t want to spend the bucks, a stack of books or a stool can work just as well. All about that optimal positioning, folks!

9. Massage: Because Even Your Gut Needs Some TLC

No, I’m not suggesting you book a spa day for your intestines (though if that existed, sign me up!). But a gentle belly massage in a clockwise direction can coax that stubborn stool on its way. Play some calming music, light a candle, set the mood… Just remember to wash your hands after your intestine-intimate moment.

10. Laugh It Out (No, Seriously)

You’re already reading a sarcastic article about constipation; you’re halfway there. They say laughter is the best medicine, and while it may not directly cure your constipation, it can help relieve stress, which we established earlier as a potential party pooper.

11. When All Else Fails, Phone a Friend

No, not for a chat (unless you’re into sharing the detailed saga of your digestive woes). I’m talking about over-the-counter relief. There are mild laxatives, stool softeners, and even some fabulous fizzy drinks that promise to get things moving. Just remember, these are more like guest stars, not regulars in your show. Over-reliance can make your bowels a tad lazy.

In Conclusion…

There you have it! The ultimate, no-holds-barred, slightly sarcastic guide to beating the bloat and triumphing over the toilet. Remember, everyone has their down days — and by that, I mean days where things won’t go down. But with patience, persistence, and maybe a prune or two, you’ll be back to your regular self soon enough. Happy pooping!