How To Stop Snoring: A Guide to Achieving Midnight Silence (And Saving Your Marriage)

how to stop snoring

Do you find that your soulful nocturnal symphonies are deeply unappreciated by your bedmate? Is your spouse plotting to move to a separate continent — or at least a separate bedroom — just to escape the dulcet tones of your snoring? Well, friends, gather around. Today, we’ll explore the art of silent slumber, guaranteed to turn you from a human foghorn into a delicate whisper of a sleeper.

Step 1: Accept the (Inconvenient) Truth

First and foremost, you must admit to yourself that you snore. That strange nocturnal creature making those gurgling noises? Yeah, that’s you. Now that we’ve crossed that bridge, a more tranquil night of sleep is within sight. Well, not for you — you’ll be asleep and blissfully unaware. But at least your partner won’t have to shove earplugs so far down their ears they risk touching their brains.

Step 2: Assume the Position

The best way to stop snoring is to find a sleeping position that defies gravity. Most people who snore do so when they lie on their backs, allowing their tongue and soft palate to drop to the back of the throat. So what you want to do is become a human pretzel. Twist, turn, contort — do whatever you need to do to keep your airway as clear as your conscience should be. Of course, if you wake up and you’re tied in knots, you didn’t hear this advice from me.

Step 3: Run, Don’t Walk

Exercise is the solution to, like, 99% of life’s problems — boredom, stress, that muffin top you’ve been nurturing over the pandemic. Apparently, it’s also good for reducing snoring. Regular exercise tones your muscles, including those in your throat that are directly responsible for your groundbreaking renditions of “The Song of the Snore.” Plus, shedding a few pounds could alleviate that excessive fatty tissue around your neck, which is probably stifling your airway almost as much as your overbearing mother-in-law stifles your weekend plans.

Step 4: Avoid Alcohol and Sedatives

This is truly the worst part: you’re going to have to break up with your beloved bottle of red wine (or whiskey, I don’t judge) if you want to quit snoring. You see, alcohol and sedatives are like that friend who always says, “Trust me, this is going to be fun,” right before you wake up in a place you don’t recognize. They relax your throat muscles to the point of total collapse, setting the stage for a night-long opera of guttural sounds.

Step 5: Sing For Your Supper

This one sounds bizarre, but it’s true: vocal exercises can actually help you stop snoring. Singing can strengthen the muscles in your soft palate and throat, which can help you control your airway better. Of course, the idea is to sing while you’re awake, not while you’re asleep. The only tune you should be belting out in bed is the sweet sound of silence.

Step 6: Hydrate Like a Fish, But Don’t Sleep Like One

Water is the nectar of life, but did you know it’s also the unsung hero in the war against snoring? Dehydration thickens your mucus, and not in a fun, science-experiment-gone-wrong kind of way. Thicker mucus can block your airway and make you snore like a lawnmower. So guzzle that H2O, but maybe avoid drowning yourself right before bed; frequent trips to the bathroom will ruin your sleep faster than a double espresso at midnight.

Step 7: The Pillow Talk No One Wants To Have

That pillow you’re so attached to? The one that has been with you through countless Netflix binges and tearful breakups? Yeah, it might also be sabotaging your sleep. Old pillows are a breeding ground for dust mites and allergens that could be causing inflammation in your airway. It’s time to dump that old fluff and invest in a new pillow that supports your neck and keeps your airway clear. And if that doesn’t work, it at least provides a softer landing when your partner inevitably throws it at you at 3 a.m.

Step 8: The Infamous Nose Strips

You’ve probably seen these sticky wonders on athletes, actors, and your Uncle Bob who swears they make him more aerodynamic during family kickball games. They work by physically pulling open your nostrils, letting more air in and potentially reducing the decibel level of your snoring. They’re also a great way to look like you’ve been in a fight and decided to fix your nose with some DIY first aid.

Step 9: Consult a Professional (No, Not a Shaman)

If you’ve tried everything and your partner is still complaining — or worse, has moved to the couch — it’s time to consult a healthcare provider. They can recommend further diagnostics like a sleep study, which is essentially an all-nighter where you’re the star of a very boring reality TV show. You might even get a CPAP machine out of the deal, which is like having a tiny wind turbine strapped to your face. Your spouse will love it.

Step 10: The Nuclear Option

If all else fails, you can always go for the nuclear option: separate bedrooms. It might sound radical, but remember, some of the most long-lasting marriages have thrived on this principle. Besides, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? And silence makes the ear grow less irritated.


So there you have it, my snore-prone friend. A smorgasbord of tips that are as diverse as the variety of snores you can produce. From lifestyle changes to medical interventions and even the unthinkable ‘S’-word — Separation — there’s something for everyone. But seriously, folks, snoring can be a sign of more severe health issues, so don’t take it too lightly. A peaceful night’s sleep is within your grasp, and all it takes is a little action on your part. Or a lot of action. But hey, it’s better than your spouse booking a one-way ticket to another time zone just to get away from your nightly noise pollution.

Now go forth and snore no more! But if you do, make sure you’re recording; you never know when you’ll produce a masterpiece worth sharing with the world — or at least, your very annoyed family. Sleep tight!

Pro Tips for the Aspiring Silent Sleeper:

  1. Peppermint Power: Gargling with peppermint-infused water before bed can reduce inflammation in the membranes of your throat and nostrils. Plus, bonus breath freshness!
  2. Elevate to Alleviate: Prop up the head of your bed by a few inches. By angling yourself slightly, you can often help reduce the gravitational collapse of your airway. If you start sliding down by morning, well, consider it a fun ride.
  3. Go Herbal: Teas like chamomile have natural anti-inflammatory properties. Sipping a cup before bedtime might relax more than just your mood—it can soothe those overenthusiastic throat tissues, too.
  4. Monitor Air Quality: A humidifier can add moisture to the air, which can prevent the drying out and inflammation of your nasal passages. Plus, adding a few eucalyptus drops might give you that spa-like experience without the spa price tag.
  5. Dairy Diary: Some people find that dairy can increase mucus production (yummy). If you’re chugging milk or diving into ice cream right before bed, you might want to reconsider. Opt for a dairy-free bedtime snack and see if it makes a difference.
  6. Allergy Alert: If you’re allergic to anything in your bedroom—from dust to pet dander—it can increase congestion and thus snoring. Consider hypoallergenic pillows, regular vacuuming, and keeping Fido or Whiskers out of the boudoir.
  7. Silent Partner: There are plenty of apps these days that can monitor and record your snoring. This way, you can get a sense of how severe it is and what measures are helping. Plus, it’s always good fun to have an audio recording of your greatest hits.

Remember, while laughter and lightheartedness are essential, your health is no joke. If snoring continues to be a significant issue, do consult with a medical professional. After all, there’s a difference between a harmless rumble and a roaring health concern.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about Snoring

1: Is snoring really a sign of a deeper health problem?

While snoring can be a harmless (albeit annoying) trait for many, it can also be a symptom of sleep disorders like sleep apnea, where breathing is briefly and repeatedly interrupted during sleep. If you’re experiencing excessive daytime fatigue, long pauses in breathing, or choking sounds, consult a physician.

2: Does everyone snore at some point?

It’s believed that up to half of adults snore at least occasionally. Factors like age, nasal and throat structure, obesity, and lifestyle can all play a role. So, while not everyone snores, many do—though severity and frequency vary widely.

3: Can children snore too?

Absolutely! While adorable, snoring in children can sometimes be a cause for concern. It can be indicative of problems with the tonsils, adenoids, or even early signs of sleep apnea. If your child snores frequently, it’s worth discussing with a pediatrician.

4: How do I know if my snoring is ‘normal’ or a sign of sleep apnea?

The occasional snore symphony after a night of indulgence is typically nothing to stress over. But if you find yourself snoring loudly most nights, waking up gasping for air, feeling unusually tired during the day, or having difficulty concentrating, it might be time to see a sleep specialist.

5: Will losing weight stop my snoring?

It might! Excess weight, especially around the neck, can put additional pressure on the airway causing it to collapse and produce the snoring sound. However, slim people snore too, so there are no guarantees—but many health benefits to maintaining a healthy weight!

6: Are there surgeries to stop snoring?

Yes, various surgical options aim to reduce or eliminate snoring. These can range from removing the tonsils or adenoids to more complex procedures that reposition the jaw. However, surgery is typically a last resort after other treatments have failed.

7: I’ve heard of “snoring mouthguards”. Do they work?

Mandibular advancement devices (often referred to as “snoring mouthguards” or “dental devices”) can be effective for some snorers. They work by repositioning the lower jaw and tongue to open up the airway. If considering this route, it’s best to get one custom-fitted by a dentist.