Hello there, Angelina Jolie enthusiasts and Kylie Jenner worshippers! Gather around because today, we’re going to unlock the secrets to achieving that plump, luscious pout you’ve been dreaming of since… well, probably since you took your first selfie. I mean, why settle for your natural, perfectly fine lips when you can inflate them like a pool float at a summer party, right?
Step 1: Acknowledge That Size Matters — In Photos, Anyway
Let’s get real. In the era of Instagram, size does matter, especially when it comes to your lips. How else are you going to pout, smirk, or make that seductive face that says, “I’m too hot to handle, but please continue to lavish me with likes?” Your followers demand voluminous lips! You have a public duty!
Step 2: The Spice of Life — And Your Lips
If you’re one of those impatient souls and can’t wait for permanent results, let’s kick things off with a quick hack. And what could be faster than grabbing your kitchen’s cayenne pepper or cinnamon? That’s right; the thing you put in your chai latte could also make your lips swell like they just had an allergic reaction to mediocrity. Just mix a pinch with some water, and slather it on your precious pout. Your lips will burn. Tears will be shed. But hey, beauty is pain, and now you’ll look like you’ve been passionately kissing a furnace. Wipe it off, apply your favorite lip balm to soothe the scalded area, and voila — you’re a duckling no more, but a full-grown duck. Quack.
Step 3: Overline Until You Can’t Find the Original Line Anymore
If you’ve already made it past the flaming lips phase, why not try a technique that has zero potential side effects — other than making you look like a cartoon character? Overlining. That’s right, take that lip liner and go to town. Don’t know where your natural lip line is? Don’t worry, neither will anyone else when you’re done. The aim here is not realism; it’s redefining your facial geography. Outline those lips like you’re redrawing national borders, and then fill them in with a color that screams, “I woke up like this, but spent 40 minutes making it look so.”
Step 4: Suck it Up, Buttercup
Ah, yes, the good ol’ suction method, a technique as ancient as your grandmother’s obsession with Tupperware. This is a low-budget option for those of you who’ve spent all your money on overpriced avocado toast instead of saving for legit lip fillers. Just find a small cup or shot glass, and suck the air out like your life — or your lips, in this case — depends on it. You might end up with a slight bruise or ring around your mouth, but who cares? You’re not going for subtlety here, are you? If anyone asks, just tell them it’s the newest trend in lip liner: ‘Ecchymosis Chic.’
Step 5: Have a Fallback Plan
Despite your most heroic efforts, some of these methods might not give you the ‘Botox Bombshell’ results you’re aiming for. In that case, practice your camera angles and Snapchat filters. After all, the ‘Flower Crown’ filter never hurt anyone, and it’s way cheaper than actual plastic surgery.
Step 6: The DIY Toothbrush Trick — For The Truly Desperate
Oh, you thought we were done? Honey, we’re just getting started. Next up is the toothbrush trick, another quick and cost-effective method that also doubles as dental hygiene. (Don’t worry, we won’t tell your dentist you’re using your toothbrush for vanity instead of fighting plaque.) Just take a toothbrush and gently scrub your lips in a circular motion. Not only will this exfoliate your lips, making them as smooth as a baby’s bottom, but it’ll also make them flush and plump. You’ll get to enjoy your newfound fullness — for all of ten minutes. Cherish those minutes. Maybe take a selfie. Definitely take a selfie.
Step 7: Fish Lips for the Fish Gape
Now, let’s get into the art of the pose, shall we? Once you’ve gone through the endless hassle of enlarging your lips, you’ve got to know how to show them off. Say hello to the fish gape, the duck face’s sophisticated cousin. To execute this groundbreaking pose, part your lips ever-so-slightly and suck in your cheeks. Think Zoolander, but, you know, fishier. The aim is to look mildly surprised and intriguingly vacant at the same time. If people ask why you’re making that face, just respond with, “Why aren’t you?”
Step 8: The Last Resort — Duct Tape
This is it, the Hail Mary of lip plumping strategies. If all else fails, there’s always duct tape. Cut two small pieces and stick them to the corners of your mouth, then pull them back towards your ears. Sure, you won’t be able to speak, eat, or function like a normal human being, but who cares? You’re not in this for practicality. You’re in it for the ‘Gram. And nothing screams commitment like cosmetic duct tape application.
Step 9: Accept Defeat Graciously
Okay, so maybe, just maybe, you’ve come to the shocking realization that some of these steps are, how shall we put it, utterly ridiculous? Perhaps you’ve decided to embrace your natural beauty instead of following the cult of ‘Bigger is Better.’ If so, kudos to you. Your lips are fine just the way they are. Well done for coming to your senses before we reached the Saran Wrap and vacuum cleaner stage.
Step 10: Post, Tag, Repeat
Whatever route you choose, whether it’s the embrace of natural beauty or an all-out assault on your lip tissue, don’t forget to document every moment. Because if it’s not on social media, did it even happen? Post those lush, or laughably oversized, lips with pride. And don’t forget to tag us so we can admire your dedication and possibly question your life choices.
And there you have it, lovelies! Your comprehensive guide to lip augmentation, no medical degree required. At this point, you’re either ready to face the world with a pout that could rival any Hollywood A-lister, or you’ve thrown your phone across the room in disgust. Either way, mission accomplished. Now pucker up, buttercup. The world awaits your fabulous — or fabulously flawed — lips.
